10/06/56 to 10/26/02

My Mom was an only child and in turn had only one child which is pretty unusual and made us very close. Mom was always very shy and introverted from what she always said growing up. My Grandma left my Grandpa when my Mom was 9 which was still pretty scandalous back in 1965... I think my Grandpa was bipolar from the things I have been told about him and his behavior.

Mom got pregnant when she was 16 but wanted to finish highschool. Back in 1974 she wasn't allowed. She had to get her GED and my Grandma forced her to marry my father who already had a different girlfriend. Mom always told me there was never any doubt that she wanted me and knew that she wanted to keep me. Even when my Grandma spent two months in bed crying. So, in October of 1973 she married my father and had me in May of 74.

My father left us in 77 and she met and married another man who was worse than the first shortly after that. He was very abusive to us both and it took 15 years for her to finally get the courage to leave him. I was almost 18 and a month away from graduation. She wasn't always the best Mom but she was never the worst.

About 6 months after the divorce she discovered that she had been a victim of fraud and had silicone poisioning from breast implants that she thought were saline. She had to have them removed and she immediately went into a tailspin mentally. She never really exhibited the extremeness in her bipolar until then. She became anorexic due to the body dismoprhia that she suffered from the way her breast removal left her body. She went down to 85 pounds at one point. It was very scary.

She began dating and taking meds regularly. However, as usual she made very poor choices were men were concerned. I would often wake up in the morning and find men that I didn't know in the house. It was very disconcerting. I realize that this is part of the disease and I don't fault her for it. I don;t know that she could help it. I think she was searching for affirmation she never had.
In 1997, a relationship that she had been in for several years ended abruptly. She again went into a tailspin and never came out. She went deeper and deeper into the dark. I would call the doctor and beg her to help my Mom. By 1999 we were in the abyss. Mom would lie in bed and not move for days. She wouldn't eat or bathe. I couldn't get her to go to work. She had to take a leave.

Finally, we were forced to take drastic measures. (I say we because I took care of her) She had to have Electro shock treatments. She had 3 a week for 6 weeks which is double what they give people now days. It was awful. She would vomit and couldn't remember anything. She would cry and say that her life was over. She didn't get any better.... We were thousands of dollars in debt and she was still desparately depressed and out of hope.

Things did get a little better for about 6 months but then got worse when the side effects of the ETC treatments became more and more apparent. Mom would become very upset when she would try to say something like "Do you want macaroni and cheese for dinner?" and it would come out "Do you want machines for dice?" It was hard for her she said it made her feel stupid.

During all this my Grandma did come to live with us for a short time. World War 3 commenced. We all fought with Grandma. On Mom's birthday Grandma moved out without telling us where she was going. She refused to speak to us for serveral months.

My Mom never got over this. She was so hurt by my Grandma's leaving that way that she refused to allow me to even mention her birthday ever again. THis is why I think she chose to die the day after my Grandmas birthday. After about a year and a half they started to slowly speak again and had only been speaking for about 8 months when Mom died. Grandma and I had been seeing each other for longer. I decided I would try to forgive and forget.

Slowly, I saw that things were not going to be better. Again she took to bed. She wouldn't bathe or eat. I even tried threatening to call my Grandma and tell her. Usually I kept these things a secret at Mom's request. I finally called Grandma. But she made things worse by telling Mom that if she committed suicide then she would too. Wonderful threat eh?

Then, she started getting better I thought. She was still very depressed but I thought maybe she was better....I now think that she had a plan and felt like there was hope. She planned her suicide so well that I think she must have been planning it for weeks. That must have been the improvement I saw. Mom was a perfectionist. If she couldn't do it perfect and right she didn't want to do it at all. That was evident in her suicide I believe. It does get a bit more graphic from here. (I have cut and pasted but added some things)

Then came the days that changed my life forever....

Thursday, October 24, was my Grandma's birthday I had to make Mom call her. So, she was mad at me for that. She was kind of going through a manic phase and when she did she really took everything out on me and I had had enough and for once I stood up to her and told her I was going to spend the night at my now husband's (John).

She became angry and asked me what I was doing and if I was moving out and not telling her. I told her that I wasn't moving out I was just going to spend the night. I, then said he has asked me to move in with him in his apartment that he is going to get in a couple of months and I have been thinking about it.

She got REALLY angry then. Mom and I had always lived together. I have just turned 29. I wanted my own life. I met the man I wanted to marry. I didn't think I was asking too much. I wasn't going to leave her.... but she didn't understand that. I never moved out because I was afraid she would kill herself when I left....

Anyway, she began screaming at me that if I wanted to leave then I could just leave now and get out. I began to cry because I hated it when Mom was mad at me. I hated it when she was disappointed in something I did.She just became completely irrational. Mind you that I had a good job and I gave her almost my entire check as soon as I got paid to pay bills.

This was my house too. But I complied. I was hysterically crying by the time I left. On the way to John's she called to yell at me more.... I just didn't understand her. We NEVER fought. People were so envious at our relationship because we got along so well.... I made to John's and managed to calm down....(I now wonder if she was trying to push me away so if I was upset with her she thought I wouldn't hurt so much if she died.)

October 25th I went to work the next day. Mom called me at work and told me that she was going to Stillwater which is about an hour and a half away from OKC with her friends atferwork. She told me she loved me and that she was sorry we fought. She said that she needed me to come home and feed the dogs because she would be coming home really late and wouldn't feel like it. I was going to a haunted hay ride that night with John and some friends so I told her I would.

I came home and saw that my room was torn up. She had gone through my stuff. I wasn't sure yet what she was looking for....then on the dishwasher I found it. It was on the back of a dirty, crumpled, oil change receipt, her note.

It said: "Amber, By the time you read this I'll be gone I love you but I can't live with my mental illness any longer. Dr. Ardis (her psycharchist who gave up on her) can't seem to help me. Please, do whatever you need to do to live. I am glad you have John. Put my dogs to sleep as they will burden you. I love you. Mom."

So, I FREAKED out. I called John. I told him what she said. I realized then that she had found the gun in my room.... I ran around for a bit not knowing what to do. I called my cousin. She came over.... I called my Mom's work. She was there. I asked her if she was okay. She said she was. I said what are you planning on doing. She said I am going to Stillwater.

I said that isn't what your note says. She said what note? I said the note at home. what are you going to do? Are you going to hurt yourself? She said no,. You misunderstood, I said there isn;'t much I can misunderstand. It sounds like a suicide note.

She said you said you were moving out I said not yet Mom. I am eventually I am almost 30 years old I have to grow up sometime!!! But that isn't what we are talking about. Are you going to kill yourself? She said no. I said where is the gun? She said I don't have it. I said you do. She said I am at work I can't do this right now,. I said Mom Swear to me that you won't hurt yourself. PLEASE.

She said Amber, I love you. I won't. I said I'll see you when I get home? She said yes. I said I love you Mama. She said I love you. We hung up....

I like a dumbass and against my better judgement believed her. She was Mom I didn't want to think that she would lie to me or commit suicide. I never thought she would REALLY do it. We went to the stupid hay ride and the whole time I was worried sick about Mom.

I let my friends and John talk me out going home and making sure she was okay....and deep down I knew she wasn't. I wanted one more night of normalcy....before my life came crashing down. About 10:30 pm without warning I started to cry. UNcontrollable sobbing....I told John that Mom was gone that I couldn't feel her any more. That part of my heart was gone. It was like someone had hit me.

I couldn't sleep....JOhn talked in his sleep and said that he dreamt of his dad and that his Dad told him that he was going to have to take care of me because my Mom was with him now.

The next morning, my cousin called me and told me my Grandma needed me. I said it's Mom huh? She said just come to Peepa's Amber. My Grandma was staying with my cousin's grandpa who is her brother he had cancer. I said just tell me now. She said just come now. She wanted to talk to John. I gave the phone to John. He said get dressed... Believe it or not I actually drove the 25 minute drive....

We walked in and there were dectectives there and my Grandma was crumpled on the couch crying. Angie looked like she had seen a ghost. I said who are these men. They tried to get me to sit down I wouldn't. I wanted them to just TELL ME ALREADY!!!!

Angie came and said "Amber, it's Kathie....." I said. did she....and Angie started crying again and shook her head yes. I started to scream. I don't know why. I already knew. I almost fainted. John caught me.

The dectectives walked me to the couch with John's help.... I wanted to know if I could see her. They said no, not yet. I wanted to know when . She was my Mama. I wanted to see her and hold her. I NEEDED TO SEE MY MOM!!! I wanted to know where.

They said that she did it behind her work in her car. She covered her head with her coat, put her purse in the trunk but left her work ID on so they would know who she was. I said was it with the Magnum? They said yes.

I don't remember a lot after that.... I was cold. I couldn't stop crying. I kept saying that "I didn't want to do this" I made some calls to some people. My Grandma was not talking. She was in disbelief. She kept saying "my baby. My baby."

My Uncle who was dying wanted to know if she had used one of his guns because he used to be Chief of Police. He had been very upset and worried about that. I had to assure him that she hadn't....

She had gone to the safe deposit box a few days before and taken things out and had checked a will making book out from the library She had made extensive plans. She had driven the older car....So, she had planned it to the nth degree...

I finally did get to see when the ME's office released her body on Tuesday. She didn't look like my Mom. But she was still beautiful. John was the only other person who saw her because I wouldn't allow anyone else because I had promised Mom I wouldn't let people gawk at her.

I hadn't brought any clothes and they obviously had to take hers off so she was only in a sheet...so that was sad. It's weird the things that stand out in your mind. I played with her hair and told her I was sorry for not cuting her hair and coloring it before she died. I know in Heaven her hair doesn't have any of the dreaded gray now.... She is perfect again.

When I planned her funeral I used songs that meant something to her to us. I played the Organ music song that she was always insistant that I play. Toccata in D Minor by Bach. Some people weren't expecting Halloween music but if they knew my Mom well they laughed. Laughing through tears.... Then we played two Beatle songs Yesterday which was her favorite and In My Life which I thought was very appropriate. I also played The Dance by Garth Brooks which Mom also loved.... I guess we did have just a dance with her.

I ordered 75 programs because I thought that would be more than enough but they ran out and the funeral home had to make more. Mom would have been shocked and surprised we filled the little chapel in the home it was standing room only. People waited in line at least 30 minutes to talk to me. I was the one who did everything because my Grandma wasn't able to do it. That has been the story of my life. "It's okay, Amber will do it."

People Mom worked with 10 years ago came. Some of her patrons came. Old friends of mine who called her Mom came. Everyone loved my Mom who came into contact with her. I had lots of pictures of her there because I wanted people to remember her in happy times I only took pictures of her smiling and where she looked truely happy.

I still see some people. Lots of her friends from the library came to our wedding. I was given the ultimate compliment and told that I was just as beautiful as my Mom and that she would be proud of the way I have handled everything.... of course they don't see me in the private moments.

I have written way more than I imagined I would.... Thank you if you have managed to read all or part of this. Bless you all. I just want everyone to know how wonderful my mom was. Most of all I wanted her to know.

By Amber, Daughter of Kathie

http://www.geocities.com/babbiefan1/Kathiemymom_My_Friend.html

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