Our Stories

John (Chris) Eckman Pennsylvania June 13, 1969 - May 15, 1994 Gunshot to the head    The last time I saw Chris was the day before he died. I was worried because of two things, one, he was bringing things home he said he didn't need. and two He had a big smile on his face, This was unusual for Chris because he rarely seemed to smiled. At this time I had very little knowledge of suicide. However these two things brought up red flags in my mind. I remember wondering why he was  doing this I got a bigger hint that night when I dreamt about him and the answer when my mother called me the next morning to tell me Chris was dead. I knew when my mom called &told me Chris was dead that me and my family would be going through hell. My mother shouldn't lose her only son one week before mothers  day. my grandmother shouldn't lose her only grandson the day before her  birthday, but they do & they did.   When Chris died I remember feeling stunned &angry thinking who the hell do you think you are?  Later we found Chris's diaries, He had the whole thing planned the how, they why, & the where. He even left his leather jacket on my mom's front porch with what reminded me of a to do list, though it only had one item on it. It read: "Ask mom (mommy) if I can wear my leather jacket at my funeral" Even though we were told by the county coroner that this would need to be a closed  casket Chris wore his leather jacket.We dressed him just the way he would have in life & even played his favorite music at his memorial service. Some people weren't very happy with this but we felt that this is what Chris would have wanted.  When we finally did purchase a  tombstone for his gravesite, my mother felt that my sisters &I should be involved &we chose one together &had Chris's favorite thing...his car carved into it.   The night Chris died he talked my mother into driving him to his house almost 40 miles away She agreed but only if when they arrived he gave her his gun when they got there, he agreed. When they did arrive he said he searched & said he couldn't find it he said he would be okay because a friend of his was there. He told her "Mom, nothing will happen to me", well he lied. Chris was in  his bedroom, his friend in the living room . his friend said he heard a noise & thought Chris dropped his soda can, when he didn't hear anything else he checked on Chris & realized what really happened. Chris ended his life with a  gun.   After Chris died I was depressed for a year, I had panic attacks daily but told no one just so I wouldn't have to bother with going to see a therapist or take drugs. My youngest sister was fifteen years old when Chris died, It was extremely difficult for her. She tried to commit suicide twice just so she could be with her big brother. Even at the funeral home & later the cemetery her father had to pull her off of Chris's casket when we were leaving. It just broke my heart to see my mother & sister in so much pain, that hurt me more  than I can say.   I mourn for anyone who has lost a brother, because like me & my sisters we  will no longer hear his voice. Even though we did argue allot I would love to hear his voice & be able to argue with him again. I wish I could listen to his favorite songs without getting that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wish I could have done something to stop Chris from committing suicide but deep down I know if it wouldn't have  happened then eventually it would have happened. And don't let anyone ever tell you "you will get over it" there is no such thing as "getting over it" you will  get through it the best  that you can  but you will never get over it, there is no such thing. Instead eventually what replaces the pain are memories.          Chris's death changed me in a lot of ways. It is now almost ten years since his death and my mother, sisters, & I talk about him alot. After Chris died it was difficult to hear his favorite songs without crying. Once, shortly after he died I was shopping in a crafts store when Chris's favorite song began to play, I became panicked & wanted to run out of the store and never go back again, instead I just stood there the whole time the song played shaking with tears streaming down my face. Now when I think of Chris I think of a little man with a devilish grin and a  great sense of humor. he had a sweet, gentle side of himself he he rarely seemed to show. Chris felt that by ending his life he was doing his family a favor, he was so very wrong. I think of him nearly every day especially holidays, his birthday & the anniversary of his death. I will always love and miss my little brother but when I get sad I try to think of my favorite religious saying: "In my father's house there are many rooms"  & I can picture Chris & my grandparents walking around in heaven together, they are buried near each other. I have never told anyone this but there is a very small part of me that is glad Chris didn't live after the gunshot only for the reason my handsome little brother would have been disfigured., Also I somehow sensed that if he wouldn't have completed suicide then he would  have continued to try until he would have completed suicide.    The day after Chris died I went to back to work and work after suicide was difficult enough then after work ended up going to the dr's for some very sudden laryingitis, The dr was stunned when I told him about Chris.   Chris & his best friend were volunteer firefighter's. After Chris died his best friend said "How will I ever find another best friend?" At the funeral his best friend got out his volunteer firefighter blues uniform & stood at Chris's casket during the entire service, At the end of the service he turned around & saluted Chris's casket. It is something that even now almost 10 years  later the second I think of it it brings me to tears.    Things Chris said before he died:         1) Dead men don't pay bills. 2) I'll be dead by the time I'm 40 The first time I heard about Survivors of Suicide was the day Chris died.  Ironically there was an article in the newspaper about a family that attended  the group. My mother & I decided to go to the next meeting. It was the first Thursday in June 1994. I remember walking into the room stunned at the amount of people there. For the first time in my life I was speechless. I remember everyone went around in a circle saying their name, who the loved that committed suicide & how their day was, and how long it  had been since the suicide. When it came to be my turn for weeks & weeks they would ask if I had anything to say the only word I could say was no. Even though it helped enormously to be around people who had been through the same thing I was going through. I remember going home after the first meeting and saying to my mother "I feel better" my mothers words were I don't but if it helps you we'll keep coming back. Ironically my mom went to the meetings longer than I did. I remember when I did go to the meetings  having so much hate & anger in my system at Chris. Whenever I went to a survivors of suicide meeting my heart would beat  very fast until more people would come only then did I feel safe.   Prologue: Ironically now after almost 10 years I have returned to the meetings not out of need for myself but because I have a deep desire to help others through the same situation I have been through, It does feel good to help others however it always breaks my heart to see another new face. I often say if I could show my little brother and others what life is like without our loved ones  here they might reconsider suicide. very much like the movie "It's a wonderful life"  Yes my life has changed in many ways as well as my mothers & sisters. My extended family is growing, My eldest sister is now a grandmother of 4 children, my 2nd eldest sister now has a daughter-in-law & my youngest sister is engaged & expecting her first child.  My grandmother has passed away. Now when I look at my great nieces & nephews I see my brother & think gosh I know he would have loved this! Now in my daily life I do not have a lot of saddness it is more of a mellowness, Often I feel him here with me, especially when I play his favorite songs. I often feel like I have a sixth sense about things & that at times of great crisis  in life  I have an angel looking after me...That Angel's name...Chris. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~     Dear Brother, When we were kids we played together and shared everything. Then came schools, In elementary school we were still close. Then junior high, we were slowly growing apart with different sets of friends. You started to become depressed. High school came we grew even farther. you experimented with drugs &  alcohol. We grew even farther apart. I graduated, you quit school. Then came adulthood. you had problems with drugs, alcohol, women, & money. We both moved out and lived our seperate lives. Then came the phone call I will never forget telling me that you had killed yourself. You will always be my brother. I will always love you. Jessie ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~    He was born June 13 1969 He was the only son in a family of women. His father walked out on him when he was young Male influences in his life were few and far between. Growing up was tough for him, He loved his mother and sisters but was never sure how to show it. No matter what he did all his life his mother & sisters loved him back. As he was growing up life was hard, he had trouble with girlfriends, money, and drugs and alcohol, his father was an alcoholic. Even though he had problems he was a very caring, sensitive, loving brother with a great sense of humor. He had two loves in his life, One was his music the other was his car. He was almost twenty five when he took his life with a gun. The day he died was a beautiful day in May the flowers were blooming, the birds were singing, The sun was shining. It was a beautiful day in May. But that evening in a little house in Maytown Pennsylvania My brother lost all hope. He died as he lived, loved by everyone who knew him. Written by Chris's sister Jessie ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   Promises are made to be broken just like hearts. I keep my eyes closed as you say goodbye to me and the world. I love you still little man Lying there still. Happiness is finally reached in you I thought it was untrue, I gasped for air to breath my heart had stopped and that was the end numbness. But you linger in my hear and in my mind and in my soul and in my every thought There you are just like it never happened...It did Written by Chris's youngest sister Kathy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~     He was a man  a very strong and sensitive man. Short small & sweet, he was just right. He made everyone laugh, and he'd put a smile on your face, with his smirk and his devilish little grin. Anyone was lucky enough to know him. And if you were lucky enough You'd receive a cow kiss. He was my idol, My hero, My role model, My everything. My brother and like I said, He was my everything. Written by Chris's youngest sister Kathy 2/1995 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~     I am sorry, for what I have done is selfish. I am sorry, But, I was hurting. I could not see the clearing, I could not see the light, I could not smile again, I had to say goodnight. I tried to live my life the best that I could. But something got in the way. You wished. and You helped. and I know that you cared. Please forgive me, I am sorry., Please no hard feelings I am at peace now. Written by Chris's youngest sister Kathy 2-15-1995 "As if being told by Chris"    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Acronym For Chris's Name     J-Jokester O- Only surviving brother H-Humorous N-Nasty- he could be nasty when he wanted to be.   C-Carol's brother H-Hot headed R-Right- He alwats had to be right. I-I'll be dead by the time i'm 40(something Chris once said) S-Sensitive T- Three older sisters O- One younger sister he adored. P-Pet Lover- Chris loved animals, he had a dalmation & loved dogs & cats. & Prankster. H-Handsome E- Eckman!- his friends often called him by his last name R-Rebellious   E-Everyone Loved him. C-Cow Kisses K-Kathy's brother M- Momma's boy A-Alcoholic N- No Man's Land- he was the only boy in a house full of women. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Chris, Alot has changed since your death. Mom & Kathy & I moved out of the house we grew up in Aunt Carolyn is there now & the house has been sold. Melissa has had kayla & Alex & now has a 3rd child on the way in November. Jennifer has a son. Carol & Jeff are divorcing. Kathy is expecting a baby. Barb is still Barb! Two years ago Bart married at a very young age! He is so handsome, & sounds so much like you when I hear his voice it stops me in my tracks for a moment. Me I ended up being the sister who is in to suicide prevention, I hate seeing others go through the same thing we went through losing you. After you died Kathy tried to commit suicide, & I have to admit I get lonely alot being alone too much can be very depressing. I love & miss you little brother! Now Nanny passed last year & Mom is buying her first house. I know you would be so happy for mom & for Kathy becoming a momma.   My life has changed drastically since your death. I feel you with me all the time. I feel as thoguh we have an almost psychic connection.   Which is strange because you & I fought so much as adults. I miss you little brother as I know mom Kathy, Barb & Carol do too.  Love always & forever, Your Sister Jessie